Two elderly pensioners go out for a game of golf. With a very shaky hand, Bert places his ball on top of the tee, lines himself up,
swings, and fires a superb shot down the fairway. "That was a great shot," said Alf.
Bert smiles, and explains that while he may be 92 years old, he can still hit a decent shot. However, as you would expect for a man of his age, he doesn’t have all
his faculties, and his vision isn’t what it once was, so he has absolutely no idea of where his ball went.
"That’s alright Bert," said Alf. "I am 94 and I don’t have all my faculties either. But what I do still have is absolutely perfect 20-20 vision. I saw exactly where
your ball went."
"Fantastic!" Said Bert. "Where did it go?"
"Ah," said Alf. "I can’t remember!"
A boy comes home from school one day, and tells his dad he has to do some homework; he has to write an essay about the difference
between ‘theory’ and ‘reality’, but doesn’t understand what they mean.
His dad offers to help. "Go and ask your mother if she will sleep with the postman for £1 million," he said. So the boy does, and tells his dad that yes, his mum
would sleep with the postman for £1 million. His dad then tells him to ask his sister the same question, which he does. She says that yes, she, too, would sleep with the plumber for £1
"There you go," says the father. "The difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on £2 million. In reality, we’re living with a pair of
A man is in a bar and spots a beautiful woman standing a few feet away. Suddenly she sneezes, and to her amazement, a glass eye
pops out and rolls along the bar. He scoops it up in his hand, walks over to her, and discreetly hands it to her. "I don’t think anyone else saw this come out," he said. She was very embarrassed, and
very grateful, and offered to buy him a drink.
They start chatting, one drink becomes two and so on. She keeps telling him how grateful she was for his quick actions, and how he spared her blushes. So much so,
that she asks him to go to dinner with her. Which he does. Before he knows it, he is escorting her back to her hotel. She invites him in, and spends hours pleasuring him in every way he can
He woke up alone in the hotel bedroom - but not for long. The woman entered the room carrying a tray laden with a full breakfast. The man is totally overwhelmed.
"Wow," he said. "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
The woman smiled, shook her head, and said, "no, you just happened to catch my eye!"
One day, a rabbit hops happily into a butcher’s shop and says "Good morning, I would like a pound of carrots please." The butcher
politely explains that he does not sell carrots, and the rabbit says "OK, sorry. Bye" and hops out. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers. "Hello, a pound of carrots please." Again the
butcher explains that he does not sell carrots, and suggests that the rabbit tries the fruit and veg shop next door. "OK, thank you," said the rabbit. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers
and again asks for a pound of carrots. "Look," says the butcher, "I have told you before, we are a butcher shop and sell meat and meat products, not fruit and veg. If you want carrots, go next
But the following day, the rabbit once again goes into the butchers, and cheerfully asks for a pound of carrots. But the butcher’s patience has reached its limit. He
reaches across the counter and grabs the rabbit by its ears. "Look here," he said, "I have had enough of you. If you come in here one more time and ask for a pound of carrots, I will nail these
bloody ears of yours to the counter!" Somewhat shaken, the rabbit slowly retreats from the store.
But the next day, he returns, somewhat sheepishly. He approaches the counter and says solemnly, "excuse me, do you have any nails?" which catches the butcher off
"No," he said, "I don’t have any nails." The rabbit then smiled and said cheerfully, "excellent, in that case, I’d like a pound of carrots please."
A school teacher asked her class which part of their bodies they thought would go to Heaven first when they died. A girl put her
hand up and said "It’s your hands, Miss." The teacher asked her to explain why. The girl said: "When you pray, you put your hands together in front of you, and God reaches down, takes you by the hand
and lifts you into Heaven." The teacher said "that’s a very nice answer", but before she could say or do any more, a little boy shouted out "please Miss, that’s not right. It’s your feet that go up
The teacher asked the boy to explain and he said, "last night I went into my mummy and daddy’s bedroom. Mummy was lying on the bed with her feet in the air, and she
shouted out ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’. If my daddy had not been pinning her down to the bed, we would have lost her!"
The owner of an old English country pub was horrified to discover, just before opening time one Sunday lunchtime, that he had no
snuff on the bar. He would have a revolution on his hands from some of the regular old boys if there was no snuff. Then he spotted the cat’s litter box, and thought "that looks close enough". He
heated the contents of the litter box in the oven, threw a bit of colouring in, and put it on the bar.
Not long after he opened the bar, two old boys came in and as one ordered two pints of stout, the other took a pinch of snuff. They sat down and one of the old men
turned to his friend and said "Albert, can you smell cat shit?" Albert said "what the hell are you talking about?"
Arthur said "I can smell cat shit. It’s quite strong." "I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about, I can’t smell anything other than the food from the kitchen."
"Well," said Arthur, "I can definitely smell cat shit." "Drink up," said Albert impatiently. "I’ll get you another drink. Cat shit, indeed."
Albert went to the bar to get two fresh drinks and while he was there, he took a pinch of the snuff. When he returned to his seat, he said to his friend, "hey
Arthur, you were right. Now that I’ve cleared my nose, I can smell that cat shit, too!"
An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman are in a pub and the conversation turns to their
The Englishman said "my son is called George, because he was born on St George’s Day, so we thought it was quite apt."
"Well how about that," said the Scotsman. "My wee bairn was born on St Andrew’s Day, so we named him Andrew after our patron saint."
"That’s an incredible coincidence," said the Welshman. "My son was born on St David’s Day, so we named him David."
"Unbelievable!" exclaimed the Irishman. "We did exactly the same thing with our son, Pancake."
The family was sitting in the lounge one cold winter's night, and it was agreed that a nice warm cup of tea was in order, but no one was prepared to make it. Father
therefore announced that the next person to speak would make the tea. The family sat in silence for an hour, until the daughter's boyfriend turned up. He was shown into the lounge, but was a little
bemused when he realised nobody was speaking. He thought this a bit rude, so decided he would shock them into speaking. He started making out with his girlfriend, and ended up making love to her in
front of everyone. But no one said a word, for fear of having to make the tea. So the boyfriend took it a bit further. He started kissing the mother. Then he fondled her. Then he made love to her!
Tired after this, he went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, but had a little accident and cut his finger. He went back into the lounge and said "have you got any Vaseline?" at which point the Father
leapt out of his seat and said "I'll make the bloody tea!"