working wordsmith + happy husband + doting dad + amateur author + fledgling farceur + pretend prestidigitator + jolly hockeyologist
working wordsmith + happy husband + doting dad + amateur author + fledgling farceur + pretend prestidigitator + jolly hockeyologist

Jokes

OK; there are plenty of people out there who would claim my sense of humour leaves something to be desired; that I generate more groans than laughs; that I produce more pains than puns (someone once suggested my nickname should be the "PUN-isher", and it seemed very apt). Nevertheless, here are just a few examples of the kind of jokes that have, over the years, tickled my funny bone. I make no further excuses, and no apologies.

Two elderly pensioners go out for a game of golf. With a very shaky hand, Bert places his ball on top of the tee, lines himself up, swings, and fires a superb shot down the fairway. "That was a great shot," said Alf.

Bert smiles, and explains that while he may be 92 years old, he can still hit a decent shot. However, as you would expect for a man of his age, he doesn’t have all his faculties, and his vision isn’t what it once was, so he has absolutely no idea of where his ball went. 

"That’s alright Bert," said Alf. "I am 94 and I don’t have all my faculties either. But what I do still have is absolutely perfect 20-20 vision. I saw exactly where your ball went." 

"Fantastic!" Said Bert. "Where did it go?" 

"Ah," said Alf. "I can’t remember!"

 

 

 

A boy comes home from school one day, and tells his dad he has to do some homework; he has to write an essay about the difference between ‘theory’ and ‘reality’, but doesn’t understand what they mean. 

His dad offers to help. "Go and ask your mother if she will sleep with the postman for £1 million," he said. So the boy does, and tells his dad that yes, his mum would sleep with the postman for £1 million. His dad then tells him to ask his sister the same question, which he does. She says that yes, she, too, would sleep with the plumber for £1 million. 

"There you go," says the father. "The difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on £2 million. In reality, we’re living with a pair of slappers."

 

 

 

A man is in a bar and spots a beautiful woman standing a few feet away. Suddenly she sneezes, and to her amazement, a glass eye pops out and rolls along the bar. He scoops it up in his hand, walks over to her, and discreetly hands it to her. "I don’t think anyone else saw this come out," he said. She was very embarrassed, and very grateful, and offered to buy him a drink. 

They start chatting, one drink becomes two and so on. She keeps telling him how grateful she was for his quick actions, and how he spared her blushes. So much so, that she asks him to go to dinner with her. Which he does. Before he knows it, he is escorting her back to her hotel. She invites him in, and spends hours pleasuring him in every way he can imagine. 

He woke up alone in the hotel bedroom - but not for long. The woman entered the room carrying a tray laden with a full breakfast. The man is totally overwhelmed. "Wow," he said. "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" 

The woman smiled, shook her head, and said, "no, you just happened to catch my eye!"

 

 

 

One day, a rabbit hops happily into a butcher’s shop and says "Good morning, I would like a pound of carrots please." The butcher politely explains that he does not sell carrots, and the rabbit says "OK, sorry. Bye" and hops out. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers. "Hello, a pound of carrots please." Again the butcher explains that he does not sell carrots, and suggests that the rabbit tries the fruit and veg shop next door. "OK, thank you," said the rabbit. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers and again asks for a pound of carrots. "Look," says the butcher, "I have told you before, we are a butcher shop and sell meat and meat products, not fruit and veg. If you want carrots, go next door."

But the following day, the rabbit once again goes into the butchers, and cheerfully asks for a pound of carrots. But the butcher’s patience has reached its limit. He reaches across the counter and grabs the rabbit by its ears. "Look here," he said, "I have had enough of you. If you come in here one more time and ask for a pound of carrots, I will nail these bloody ears of yours to the counter!" Somewhat shaken, the rabbit slowly retreats from the store.

But the next day, he returns, somewhat sheepishly. He approaches the counter and says solemnly, "excuse me, do you have any nails?" which catches the butcher off guard.

"No," he said, "I don’t have any nails." The rabbit then smiled and said cheerfully, "excellent, in that case, I’d like a pound of carrots please."

 

 

 

A school teacher asked her class which part of their bodies they thought would go to Heaven first when they died. A girl put her hand up and said "It’s your hands, Miss." The teacher asked her to explain why. The girl said: "When you pray, you put your hands together in front of you, and God reaches down, takes you by the hand and lifts you into Heaven." The teacher said "that’s a very nice answer", but before she could say or do any more, a little boy shouted out "please Miss, that’s not right. It’s your feet that go up first." 

The teacher asked the boy to explain and he said, "last night I went into my mummy and daddy’s bedroom. Mummy was lying on the bed with her feet in the air, and she shouted out ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’. If my daddy had not been pinning her down to the bed, we would have lost her!"

 

 

 

The owner of an old English country pub was horrified to discover, just before opening time one Sunday lunchtime, that he had no snuff on the bar. He would have a revolution on his hands from some of the regular old boys if there was no snuff. Then he spotted the cat’s litter box, and thought "that looks close enough". He heated the contents of the litter box in the oven, threw a bit of colouring in, and put it on the bar. 

Not long after he opened the bar, two old boys came in and as one ordered two pints of stout, the other took a pinch of snuff. They sat down and one of the old men turned to his friend and said "Albert, can you smell cat shit?" Albert said "what the hell are you talking about?"

Arthur said "I can smell cat shit. It’s quite strong." "I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about, I can’t smell anything other than the food from the kitchen." "Well," said Arthur, "I can definitely smell cat shit." "Drink up," said Albert impatiently. "I’ll get you another drink. Cat shit, indeed." 

Albert went to the bar to get two fresh drinks and while he was there, he took a pinch of the snuff. When he returned to his seat, he said to his friend, "hey Arthur, you were right.  Now that I’ve cleared my nose, I can smell that cat shit, too!"

 

 

 

An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman are in a pub and the conversation turns to their children.

The Englishman said "my son is called George, because he was born on St George’s Day, so we thought it was quite apt."

"Well how about that," said the Scotsman. "My wee bairn was born on St Andrew’s Day, so we named him Andrew after our patron saint."

"That’s an incredible coincidence," said the Welshman. "My son was born on St David’s Day, so we named him David."

"Unbelievable!" exclaimed the Irishman. "We did exactly the same thing with our son, Pancake."

 

 

 

The family was sitting in the lounge one cold winter's night, and it was agreed that a nice warm cup of tea was in order, but no one was prepared to make it. Father therefore announced that the next person to speak would make the tea. The family sat in silence for an hour, until the daughter's boyfriend turned up. He was shown into the lounge, but was a little bemused when he realised nobody was speaking. He thought this a bit rude, so decided he would shock them into speaking. He started making out with his girlfriend, and ended up making love to her in front of everyone. But no one said a word, for fear of having to make the tea. So the boyfriend took it a bit further. He started kissing the mother. Then he fondled her. Then he made love to her! Tired after this, he went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, but had a little accident and cut his finger. He went back into the lounge and said "have you got any Vaseline?" at which point the Father leapt out of his seat and said "I'll make the bloody tea!"

 

QUICK FIRE!

 

A lorry carrying tonnes of Vicks nasal spray shed it’s load all over the motorway tonight. Police said there would be no congestion for up to eight hours.

 

My friends were worried that I was addicted to brake fluid. I assured them that I could stop any time I

wanted. 

 

I used to be addicted to sniffing Tippex, but then I went to a correction centre.

 

My addition to hair products was deemed to be some kind of brainwashing issue; mental conditioning.

 

I have just bought Madonna’s single Like A Virgin on vinyl from a collectors fair; but I can’t play the record because it doesn’t have a hole in the middle.

 

Fire completely destroyed the first floor of the factory that makes Milk Tray chocolates. Thankfully, production can continue, because the floor underneath is exactly the same. 

 

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli after being dragged under by a strong currant. Another man had a food-related mishap when he walked into an Indian restaurant. Turns out he had a dicky "Tikka", and slipped into a Korma. 

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you call a dog without a bone? Floppy. And a fly with no wings? A walk.

 

I removed the shell from my snail, thinking it would make it a bit quicker in the pub snail race, but if anything, all I did was make it more sluggish. 

 

Be warned; if you’re planning a long haul flight, and you want to arrive safely, do not fly with Virgin. After all, would you trust your life with a company which, be definition, doesn’t go all the way?

 

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one. 

 

I had my heart broken by a tennis player. I thought she was the one, and then I realised that love meant nothing to her. 

 

I started reading a book about anti-gravity, and it was clearly a case of compulsive reading, because I just couldn’t put it down. 

 

I got really emotional at the petrol station today. I don’t know what came over me, I just started filling up. Then I saw an AA van go past and the driver was in floods of tears at the wheel. I said to myself, "I thought I had it bad, he’s obviously heading for some kind of breakdown. 

 

The main thing making headlines today; corduroy pillows. 

 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra but accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex instead. This morning I work up with a huge correction. 

 

A man was injured yesterday after falling into a furniture upholstery machine, but he’s now  completely recovered. 

 

I was so happy to be offered the role of Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist. I mean, I just couldn’t ask for more.

 

I finally swallowed my pride and was prepared to admit I was addicted to fruit machines. I phoned Gambler’s Anonymous, and the person who answered the phone asked me if I wanted to hold! 

 

I have vowed to always give 100%, whatever I do, except for giving blood. 

 

If you insert human DNA into a goat, you’re likely to be banned for life from the petting zoo. 

 

Is it true that ground beef comes from cows which have had all their legs amputated? 

 

Apparently, the boomerang is Australia’s biggest export. And import. 

 

I arrived suitably dressed for the lap dancing club, but felt such a fool when I realised the people who had printed the invitations had NOT crossed their T’s. 

 

For sale: dead canary. Not going cheep. 

 

If they make it illegal to wear a veil at work, there’s going to be anarchy in the beekeeping industry. 

 

Since IKEA started sponsoring my son’s school assembly takes ages

 

I visited a school that was so posh that the gym was called James.

 

I wondered why my best friend would never come out on a Tuesday night. Apparently, for ten years, he has been working as a mime artist on those evenings. I said "you’ve kept that quiet." 

 

I was queuing at the bank for ages. When I was finally served, the cashier said "sorry about your wait" and I said "you’re not exactly a stick insect either, sister!" 

 

I told my Doctor that I’ve had this compulsion to add a leading brand of fabric softener to every meal, and it would make me feel better. The Doctor said "You’re Comfort eating." 

 

As austerity continues to affect many households, it has been confirmed that a picture is now worth only 200 words, not 1,000. Furthermore, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 

Movie News: Liam Neeson’s latest formulaic franchise flick features him seeking revenge after the abduction of his pet exotic bird. The film is called Toucan.

 

I woke up today feeling a little down, because most of my feather-filled duvet had slipped to the floor during the night. 

 

I watched a "behind the scenes" TV documentary about a zoo and I finally learned what really separates man from the animals; very thick reinforced glass and an electric fence.

 

An old friend of mine said his dying wish would be to leave this mortal coil by being run over by a steam train. Amazingly, his dream came true yesterday and he was chuffed to bits. 

 

Here’s a partly political broadcast; if I was going to stand in an election, I would include something in my manifestation that would almost guarantee cross-party support from the people; the next time the clocks "spring" forward an hour in the UK, rather than happen at 2am on a Sunday morning, I’ll suggest it happens at 3.30pm on a Sunday afternoon. Vote winner!!!!

 

My wife sent me a text to say she was in casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it and didn’t see her once. She still hasn’t come home yet… 

 

I thought I’d give OK Magazine a ring to see if I could sell them some pictures. The lady who answered the phone said "Hello" so I hung up, as I must have called the wrong number! 

 

Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

 

I’m a closet eccentric. I like to sit in a cupboard and say "wibble" repeatedly until somebody finds me.

 

I thought I would take a reality check, but it bounced.

 

I had a revelation when I discovered the truth behind why Pisa’s famous tower leans. The instructions given to the builders were supplied in Italy’s original native language; italics.

 

Winter weather forecast; we could be in for a Motown night; Three Degrees, Four Tops.

 

If Shakespeare was alive today, would "As You Like It" be called "Whatever"? 

 

It’s time for another mixed metaphor today. Come on everybody, it’s not rocket surgery. Or brain science.

 

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© 2017 Darren Bane